Are you a perfectionist? It seems like a lot of people are, these days. Perfectionism has almost become a catch all phrase for hard work, achievement and success.
Those traits and outcomes may go hand in hand with some aspects of perfectionism: "positive" or "adaptive" perfectionism is thought to drive people to set goals, strive to achieve them, and do the best they can.
That's not the sort of perfectionism I'm referring to though. It's generally accepted that the "positive" side of perfectionism has an equally negative alternative. Goal setting and striving for achievement might still be present, but the goals will be set higher, the importance placed on achievement will be greater, and the perceived consequences of failure will be catastrophic.
With this sort of perfectionism, doing well can become everything. Self-worth is linked to achieving, and continuing to achieve. Falling short of goals is seen as failure. Achieving goals is still not good enough. 'Success' doesn't bring happiness or satisfaction, but, if anything, relief at not failing, at managing to do what one should have done. Everything needs to be just so and done to your exacting standards.
If you experience "unhelpful" perfectionism, you'll know the self-criticism that can kick in at the slightest mis-step from your plans or goals. And then there's the self-doubt, which makes you wonder if you can do it, even as you tell yourself you have to do it (whatever It might be on the day in question).
Some people opt out altogether, prefering not to try than to try and risk failure.
I used to be an unhelpful perfectionist. In highschool and at university, I defined myself by my academic performance. I lived for praise and positive feedback. I'm conscious of how vain that might sound, but the reality may be different to the image conjured up: receiving praise, or doing well on a test or assignment, was just about the only time I wasn't telling myself I hadn't done enough, or I should be working harder.
My perfectionistic traits have also contributed to my desire for order and control, a feature present from my earliest memories and corroborated by my long-suffering mother (who had to contend with my 5-year-old frustration at things not being right), and which does continue to this day.
At its peak, my perfectionstic tendencies probably extended to every aspect of my life. I wanted to be perfect, in every way, in every domain.
These days, my perspective is a little different. I see the unhelpful aspects of perfectionism. I recognise what I didn't do, in highschool and university, when I was focusing so fully on 'achievement'. Having fun, relaxing, relationships...they were low on my priority list.
These days, I also have other things that I care about. Achieving can't take number one spot any more. I care about people, about Mr Bite, my home life. I don't have space to be focusing on everything being just so.
However.
Sometimes it creeps in.
"You should have worked harder"
"You need to re-do that"
"That doesn't look right"
"You didn't deserve that complement"
"You need to do more"
"You stupid [insert critical word of choice]"
At such times, the desire to be perfect can return. These days, at least, I recognise it isn't possible. If I want to be the perfect girlfriend and the perfect employee and the perfect daughter and the perfect sister and the perfect runner and the perfect friend and have perfect hair and eat the perfect diet - well, it isn't going to happen.
Especially the hair.
And I'm grateful for that awareness. It stops me being sucked back in, and allows me to continue walking on the right side of the "helpful" perfectionism line. Or even, sometimes, skipping out on perfection completely. Life is short, after all.
I apologise for the wordy nature of this post. It's been sitting in my 'drafts' posts list for some time now, and I thought that if I put off posting it for too long I never would. Lighter topics will return soon!
Would you describe yourself as a perfectionist? Has your approach to perfection changed over time?
